My life is pretty beautiful after all.
People say I am strong, especially after they hear my story about my family background. I do not care if I am strong or not because I do not believe in strength. I just wanted to be “someone” I ever dream of, the idolized figure I cannot even imagine anymore. What am I missing? What do I look for now? Are these money, social status, reputation or title?
I am tired of complaining. My life is pretty beautiful after all.
As much as I find peace in quiet moment, I realize myself wanting some stimulation. The event with dramatic emotional movement involved, and most importantly, lead me to the successful status I can be proud of who I am. Peaceful happiness and my definition of success had been mutually exclusive. Of course, it is very difficult process to feel happy and satisfied simultaneously because what I am trying to do is as if mixing water and oil thoroughly, and sadly, tasty dressing is “not” what I would ilke to have a result. The dressing (the mixture of water and oil) could be a byproduct, but again, dressing is not what I want to have for now.
You must get confused by reading this paragraph. It is not your problem. Even I am not sure if I understand what I am writing fully. However, I needed the moment to write down. The day will have come within less than 100 hours. The moment in the day will be not that much different from regular day and moment. I might be emotional more or less, but it will be the regular day. I am sure that world won’t be different on that day.
It is very personal, somewhat emotional, but very distinctive day for me.
Buddha once said life is all about misery. It is probably true. We can find all kind of misery and suffering by shifting our eyes by a inch, or if you are not sure about it, just turn on the TV and watch some news channel.
However, I realize, misery only exist in past or future, not in current moment. Thought toward past bring misery as regret, and thought toward the future bring misery as worry.
Again, I am tired of complaining, yet I will keep requiring the validity of my life. However, by focusing on current moment, my life is pretty beautiful, after all.
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