I’ve got to stop “thinking”
Few days before the new year, and also few days after the new year are very important days in Japanese culture. People look back their days in past year, and hope the better toward the coming year. I have been doing so, mostly with cleaning the house, thinking back how the previous year had been.
Last year, after my father’s death and chaotic drama from company, I didn’t have enough time to look back the year. All I could think of was how I could protect someone I loved, like my sweet wife and my mother.
Before 2012, I had looked back the year in my office, working non-stop even in the new year’s day. Keep family business alive was my life, and I even believed that it was my identity.
I thought… I became strong enough to look back what happened in 2014.
I learned how to meditate, how to ease the suffering in me, and how to connect myself to some spiritual support.
It was a stupid idea, that I could look back the past.
Looking back the past means facing what this year was like. I cannot believe how brave (or even stupid) I had to be to even think about it…. 2014 was a tough year, in many ways.
I did not work in this year… at all.
Many reasons I didn’t work in this year. The temporary immigrant status which doesn’t allow me to work, or the idea of I would rather to spend more time here with my wife so I could finally build the family here in the U.S…and so on. Yes. All of them were true, but didn’t I just waste the year with nothing on resume… the complete blank of my career.
What did I earn by not working….? Even if I earned something, is it useful for my future career….??
My father (CEO) had died, and then the people who cared “the company and its culture” more than the “stockholder’s personal benefit” got kicked out from the company.
In early stage of this drama, I gave up fighting back so that I thought I could protect someone I love. I choose to cut the connection from a sociopath who only cares money. Was that decision right… and did I even succeed to protect people who I cared…?
I feel that 2014 was filled with “excuses.” that I did not have to take action. In uncertainty and unsuitability, I excused myself not to move so I didn’t have to get hurt again. Was this motionless year so valuable to me… what the heck is my value anyway.
After all… I am not over my father’s death even it has been more than a year since his death.
Why did he go…, I mean, did he really need to go….?
More precisely speaking,
Why couldn’t I save him….?
It is not my intention to write something negative like this at the end of year. The beautiful news is coming next year, and I am preparing to release some good news in terms of my mother’s business soon. The fact that I can finally write about my father’s suicide might be a good thing. I implied, but I couldn’t even write here that I “could” have saved him. We all have reasons to blame ourselves. I knew he was suffering, and even who was creating that suffering.
At the same time, I would like to (or have to) respect his decision. He did everything he could to protect his family. Everyone in his family have better life now. He pushed us out from the negative spiral which we didn’t even know we were in…
What I wrote here is my life time challenge, and question. I am not just ready yet to face it, not this time, not this year. So, I’ve got to stop “thinking,” at least, for now.
Thank you so much for your support in 2014.
I will release a good news in Sashiko matters soon in 2015. I am sorry for this negative writing, but I feel much better after I let it come out by writing. I will write something more positive next time 🙂
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