Another layer of my life.
I had the thirty _____ th birthday few days ago. I sincerely appreciate all of the wishes from my dear friends, from all over the world. I had a peaceful and quiet birthday with relaxing on the sofa and chatting to Marina. I cannot remember the last birthday I had spend so relaxed and luxury time on the day…
The last year I was not thinking about the work on my birthday… was probably before my collage graduation year, which means more than 8 years. For the last year birthday, I didn’t even spend time with Marina. I was working in my office (ex-company I had worked for,) and it was the day I decided to decrease my low salary to even lower to protect the company, my family, and even the person who was about to take advantage of my “will.”
Well, I was a mess. However, I was also happy because I knew that “it” was my identity. I was happy that I had a wife who had understood and respected her husband’s identity.
After these crazy years, going through very difficult times over winter, I come to realize the quiet and peaceful birthday is a piece of happiness I was looking for. Again, I thank to all of my friends, family who care me, and supporters for taking care of me. I am here because of all of you.
The list in materialistic physical world
Before the birthday, Marina asked me what would be good for my birthday present. I lost my words after mumbling and squeeze up one word of “well…” Because of my stupid personality so called “business mode,” Marina and I have a common understanding that I “Azu” doesn’t like so much surprise among family. It simply is because we share everything… I will explain this stupid concept later, but because of this, we don’t do much “surprise!!” things.
She kindly asked me what I want.
My answer was blank, and I realize it isn’t healthy to have nothing I want… right? But I didn’t (or even don’t) have nothing I want here and now.
So, I spend few hours after noon web-browsing on Amazon and other shopping site. I found a very good tool so called “wish list” on Amazon, and I started putting things I would like to have if possible. And here is the result.
This list was as much as I could think of after few hours of research. It ended up piling all of things I need sometimes later, or simply the books I would like to read.If you are so kind to send me a present from the list, I would send you a big healing energy from east coast of USA. 気（Chi) and energy work are something I am focusing on right now, so I believe I can make the life better even a little bit 🙂 I have never shared my wish list before in public, but I guess it is a good practice of sharing my life. We expect that our life will be little different from now, and sharing this “wishes” and wishing the birthday or anniversaries would be good social opportunities for me to get back to human life.
Again, I have to thank to my father for this, getting back to human life.
Another layer of my life
“I live in peace now.”
I believe it sounds crazy to my friends who know my 20’s. I wasn’t peaceful, or even didn’t care to be peaceful. The money as a form of success and reputation from being superior to the people dominated my early 20’s. After I realized my identity after the earthquake 2011, Sashiko became my life and I did everything I could think of to protect its culture by sacrificing my personal peace.
I believed that… that the happiness should be something we create toward the future. I believed that the happiness only exist in the future.
In order to seize “the happiness in the future,” I regret what I didn’t do perfectly in the past so I can adjust myself toward better (more productive and efficient) individuals. I constantly questioned myself if this is the best I could do so I wouldn’t slip the happiness which would exist in the future.
With the environment I was in, I just looked at the possible happiness I planned in 2021. It was my life until Oct 16th, 2014, the day my father passed away.
His death had changed my life, pretty much in every single aspect. I lost my identity at the end of year 2013 by crucial actions by my own family (grandmother and her relatives.) and since then, my “value system” continuously has been shifting one after another, aiming to be what my father probably wants to pass to me.
Now, I somewhat realize that… “The happiness doesn’t exist in future. It does only exist now, the current moment.” The happiness cannot be described by line. It doesn’t last long. Happiness is a dot, which only exist in the moment. So, collecting all of the dots of happiness, and appreciating the layers of happiness would be my happiness, I was taught by my previous person.
I have some news coming up. This is the biggest happiness I could have experienced, the gift from my fate, my destiny.
Thank you for your time to read my sloppy writing. And, again, thank you for all of your birthday wishes to me. I sincerely wish you all of the happiness will come to you. What you gotta do is just to find the dots of happiness in current moment, my friend.
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